The Sound of Adventure!
by Dosu Disciple
Summary: The Sound Trio is sent on a mission by Orochimaru to get revenge on the Leaf Village! Will Dosu, Zaku, and Kin be able to pull it off? Crack.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did Dosu would have returned by now.

Note: I have a rare disease that allows me to only eat reviews. Don't let me starve please.

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Dosu, Kin, and Zaku sat around inside the Hidden Sound Village, stricken with boredom. They haven't received a mission from Orochimaru in months. They've been laying around inside the Sound Village lounge without leaving for almost three days, living off nothing but the food Kabuto stashed in the mini fridge. Zaku just sat there, blasting air in his face from his palms, with Kin watching him. Dosu stared at the stone ceiling, wishing for an excuse to leave the village.

"Ow!" Zaku shouted in pain.

"That didn't hurt!" Kin responded.

"What are you doing? IS IT FUN?" Dosu asked, jumping in excitement.

"No it's not fun!" answered Zaku, "Kin keeps poking me with her senbon!"

Kin laughed, "What are you talking about? Poking you is really fun!" She jabbed him again with her senbon, this time breaking through his skin and causing bleeding.

"Oh, I love poking Zaku! This was my favorite pastime in training!" replied Dosu as he approached Zaku. He told Kin, "Pass me a needle!" She did as he requested. As soon as the senbon was in Dosu's hand he drove it straight into his arm, coming out the other side.

"Aaahhh!" Screamed Zaku, "What the hell Dosu, that's not poking! And that was my good arm!"

Dosu was amused, "I thought they were both your good arm"

"Yea, but this one's better!" Zaku remarked as he pulled the needle out of his arm. "Come on, try to poke me again, I dare you!"

"Nah, this got boring." was Dosu's response. His stomach growled, "Anyone else hungry?"

Kin walked over to the mini fridge. She turned after inspecting the fridge and stated, "We're all out of food!"

"How is that possible?" Asked Dosu, "We had like, seven bags of black licorice left!"

"Well maybe if Zaku wasn't such a fatty and ate everything in sight we would have some left!" answered Kin.

"Zaku!" Dosu shouted. His sudden rage startled Zaku. "Why would you eat those?"

"I...I..." Zaku tried to speak, but was still shaken up from Dosu's anger.

"Black licorice is disgusting! How can you eat that?" Dosu interrupted.

Zaku recovered from his shock and explained, "But I didn't eat them! Kabuto came in here yesterday and took them!"

"Figures," Said Dosu, "Kabuto would eat all our food. That reminds me! Why don't we just check the kitchen for food?"

"But Dosu!" replied Kin, "The kitchen is _all_ the way across the hall! We'd have to leave the Sound lounge!"

"Stop calling it the Sound lounge," Remarked Zaku, "the only difference between this room and the rest is the mini fridge. There's nothing else in here. Not even a couch."

"It's a long journey, but we must do it if we are to survive!" Dosu stated. The three of them got up off the bare stone floor, and headed to the door. Zaku was about to enter the hallway, but Dosu grabbed his shoulder and stopped him. "You fool!" he shouted, "This is a ninja hallway! You can't simply cross it! You must escape all the traps!"

Zaku acknowledged him with a nod, and the three of them entered their battle poses. "Now!" declared Dosu. The three of them leaped into the air. Kin flipped over a swinging axe, Zaku weaved through flying arrows, and Dosu dived under a flamethrower. Arrows flew left and right, and spears shot out of walls. As soon as they got halfway across the hallway the ceiling started to lower on them. "Quickly!" Kin Shouted, and the three of them burst throw the kitchen door just as the ceiling hit the floor.

"Well if it isn't you three, you're just time!" Said a voice from the kitchen.

Dosu answered the voice, "Why, if it isn't Kabuto. What are in time for? IS IT FOOD?"

"Yep, I just finished baking cookies!" Kabuto answered as he pulled a tray of cookies out of the oven. He placed the cookies on the kitchen counter and untied his "Ninja Kiss the Ninja Cook" ninja apron. The sound trio walked up to get cookies, but Kabuto was faster, and started throwing cookies at them.

"What the hell!" yelled Zaku, "Why are you throwing them! They don't even hurt!"

"Because Zaku," answered Dosu, "they are ninja cookies! Quickly! Cookie formation!" The three formed a pyramid and started throwing kunai and senbon to deflect the cookies.

"That's twelve! He's used all of his ammo!" Kin declared, and the three of them got on their knees and started picking up the cookies.

"Baker's dozen!" Shouted Kabuto, and he threw a thirteenth cookie at Kin. Kin, who was off balance and distracted since she was bent over picking up cookies, was knocked down by the attack.

"Well, she's dead. Can we get a hot ninja next to replace her?" Zaku asked.

"You asshole," Kin replied as she got back up. "It was only a damn cookie!"

"Quit your nonsense Zaku, for we have cookies to eat!" Dosu ordered as grabbed some cookies.

Zaku was puzzled. "Wait, you're going to eat too? That means you can take your bandages off and we can finally see your face!"

Dosu made a hand sign and chanted, "Ninja art, cookie adsorbtion!" And his cookies went through his bandages.

Zaku rolled his eyes and took a bite of cookies. Kin did too. Without chewing the two of them spat the cookies out. Dosu unabsorbed his cookie. "These taste like black licorice!" Dosu yelled.

"Well of course silly," responded Kabuto, "they _are _black licorice cookies!"

"YOU MONSTER! YOU DARE WASTE COOKIE DOUGH?" Dosu screamed as he raised his melody arm, preparing to attack.

"Well Mr. Grumpypants that's the only thing I had to bake with!" Kabuto answered, "If you want to complain Lord Orochimaru is in his chamber."

"To Orochimaru!" Dosu declared, and the three of them towards the door. The door opened, revealing a wall of paper bombs.

"Mind the ninja door." Kabuto added.


	2. Chapter 2

Dosu, Kin, and Zaku crawled into Orochimaru's chamber, covered in debris and shrapnel from the ninja door. Orochimaru was working on something, but it was too dark for the trio to see exactly what he was doing. Out of nowhere a puppy came flying from Orochimaru and landed in front of Dosu.

"Oh you're still alive?" Orochimaru asked as he noticed them. "I thought you all died or something."

"I never died, I just used a substitution when Gaara attacked me." Dosu answered.

Orochimaru turned to Zaku and Kin, "I thought I sacrificed you two to resurrect the Hokages?"

"You did," replied Dosu, "But I resurrected them after."

"You can use the Impure World Reincarnation summoning jutsu?" Orochimaru asked, surprised that his pawn had so much power.

"Of course I can, I'm Dosu!" Dosu responded, "What are you doing anyway?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" remarked Orochimaru, "I'm kicking puppies!"

"Um, why exactly?" asked Dosu.

"Because I'm evil! It's what I do!" explained Orochimaru.

"Speaking of evil," started Dosu, "Can you explain why we have so much black licorice?"

"Black licorice?" Pondered Orochimaru, "Damn, even I'm not that evil! Why do we have that?"

"I was wondering the same thing." responded Dosu. "Perhaps this is the Leaf Village's doing?"

"Of course! Only they would commit such shenanigans! You three! Head to the Leaf Village and return the favour by replacing all their ramen noodles with black licorice! None shall mess with the Sound Village!"

Kabuto emerged from the shadows and said, "An excellent plan Lord Orochimaru! You're so smart!"

"Kabuto where the hell did you come from?" Orochimaru asked, with a hint of shock in his voice.

"I was in my corner," Kabuto answered, "where I always sit and watch you, _always_."

"Damn it Kabuto, when will you learn I only like children, not you!" Orochimaru sneered.

Kabuto starting crying and ran to his corner.

"Now go!" Orochimaru ordered, "And teach those leaf brats a lesson on licorice!"

The trio nodded and ran out the room.

"And don't forget to change the sign on the way out!" Orochimaru added.

Kabuto's crying got louder, "But changing the sign is my job!"

"Shut the hell up Kabuto! Go stalk children for me or something!"

"But my Lord, My camera is filled already!"

"Already? Let me see those pictures..."

Kabuto handed the camera nervously.

"Kabuto, what the hell?" Orochimaru threw the camera to the ground. "These are all pictures of me!"

Dosu, Kin, and Zaku arrived outside the Sound Village.

"Dosu don't forget the sign!" Kin reminded. Dosu walked to the "Welcome to Village Hidden in the Sound!" sign, and changed the population count from ten to seven. Then they headed towards the Leaf Village. They ran like all ninja do, learning straight forward and arms swept back. They ran so fast they all fell over face first.


	3. Chapter 3

Dosu, Kin, and Zaku were walking to the Leaf Village.

"Dosu," Zaku started, "I'm hungry."

"Damn it Zaku, when are you never?" Dosu asked.

"Whenever I eat something."

"Except you're never satisfied."

"Your mom's never satisfied!" Zaku sneered

"Zaku you will suffer the wrath of Dosu!" exclaimed Dosu as we swung at Zaku with his melody arm.

"Both of you stop!" Yelled Kin. "There's a village up ahead, we can get food there."

"A village?" asked Zaku, "We shall rape their crops and burn their women! We'll leave not a single soul alive! They will fall beneath our power and beg for mercy, but we will laugh and slaughter them! We will condemn them all to hell! When we are finished we shall enter hell itself, to further torture and mock them! When it is all over they will know our names, the ones who destroyed all things good!"

Dosu and Kin stared at Zaku, completely horrified by his response.

"I mean, let's get food?" Zaku responded.

They entered the village, and the sight was a shock. Buildings were reduced to rubble, and dead bodies were everywhere. There were some survivors wandering around. The trio walked up to one of them.

"What happened here?" Dosu asked.

The survivor turned to him, she was covered in wounds. She answered, "A clan of shinobi attacked our peaceful village, they destroyed everything and took the children with them when they left!"

"Do you have any food?" Zaku whined.

"All of our food was taken with the children." The survivor answered.

"Looks like we need to find that clan." Dosu stated. "Where did they go?"

"They headed to the mountain in the east." the women said.

"Okay," replied Dosu, "Zaku, Kin, let's head to that mountain. Zaku? Where are you?"

Zaku was no where to be seen.

"He's over there!" Kin said as she spotted Zaku, who was in a pile of rubble.

"Dude!" He shouted, "I found playboy magazines!"

Dosu approached Zaku. "What the hell Zaku? That's a pamphlet on breast cancer!"

"Yea man, but it shows boobs!"

"Just leave it, we need to find that clan!" Kin stated.

"But what about boobs?"

"You can stare at breast cancer later!" Dosu yelled, "Let's get to that mountain."

On the way up the mountain a conversation started on what kind of shinobi they'll be facing when they found them.

"I think they'll leaf shinobi." Kin stated.

"What would leaf shinobi want with a random village here?" Dosu asked.

"Well the Land Of Sound isn't at good terms with the Land of Fire." Kin replied.

Zaku burst out,"No it must be Octopus shinobi from the Village Hidden in the Octopus! They must have come to rape the children with tentacle jutsu!"

Dosu and Kin stared at Zaku, once again, shocked at his idea.

Dosu gathered strength to speak, "Zaku...what the fuck man?"

"What? Are you just jealous that I know what's happening and you don't?"

"What are smoking?" Kin asked

"Breast cancer pamphlets." Zaku answered.

"You're a freak, you know that right?" Dosu said.

"That's funny coming from a guy with a hunchback!" Zaku replied.

"At least I'm not obsessed with breast cancer and tentacle rape!"

"At least I didn't make a whole orphanage lose their hearing!

"I was testing new sound jutsu!"

"You killed them all after!"

"It was mercy killings!"

"Then you killed their families!"

"Mercy killings!"

"You burned the whole village down after!"

"That village was, um...blocking my view of the trees!"

"The fire spread to the trees and burnt the whole forest down!"

"To recycle the environment! Those trees were old!"

"Recycle? That place is just a barren wasteland now!"

"Well, you're the one who covered the place with paper bombs and destroyed the village when they tried to rebuild it!"

"What was I supposed to do? Save the paper bombs for later? You gave them to me!"

"To kill the ninja attacking us!"

"Those where angry villagers attacking you because you burnt their entire land down!"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!" Kin shouted. "We're here."

They arrived at a huge fort, with lot's of fallen shinobi inside, there where only three ninjas still standing.

"Hey, I recognize those three!" Dosu stated.

"Yea, I think those are the hookers I hired a while ago"

"Damn it Zaku!" Dosu exclaimed, "They're Leaf ninja, not hookers! And two of them are guys, why did you hire male hookers?"

Zaku answered, "Sound...stuff..."

"Whatever, let's think of a plan and attack." Dosu decided.


	4. Chapter 4

Lee, Neji, and Tenten where standing inside the fort, and finished off the last of the ninjas.

"Now we need to save the children!" Lee shouted with excitement.

"Let's try that door." Tenten suggested as she pointed to a door. The team walked to the door, and opened it. They were greeted by the the Sound Trio.

"No one expects the Sound Trio!" Dosu shouted as they leaped out and attacked.

Neji's team dodged and got ready to attack.

"Actually, I did with my byakugan." Neji replied.

"Well, expect this!" Zaku shouted. "Decapitating Airwaves!" Zaku blasted the three with his attack, sending them flying back.

"Kin! Pin them down! We can interrogate them!" Dosu ordered.

"Got it, Shadow Senbon!" Kin yelled as she tossed senbon at the leaf ninja.

The three where hit with senbon at their pressure points, and were paralysed.

Dosu approached them, then the bodies burst into smoke.

"Substitution!" He shouted, but then a paper bomb was thrown at him. Using his melody arm to blast the paper bomb back, he knocked the leaf shinobi out of their hiding spot.

"What do you want with us?" Neji asked.

"Why would tentacle rape the children! I wanted to that!" Zaku asked.

"Zaku...just stand over there." Dosu said and pointed away from everyone else.

"But it's boring over there!"

"Go look for breast cancer or something!"

"Nah, that's boring. I want prostate cancer now!"

Neji's team was highly disturbed. "I think we're missing the context here." Tenten said.

"Just ignore Zaku. Where's the food?" Dosu asked.

"Food? We're here to rescue children." Neji answered

"Oh right them, where are they? Do they have the food?"

"How should I know? If you're not going to kill us can you just let us find the kids?"

"Sure just give us the food when you find them.

"Whatever."

Neji's team returned with a bunch of children. "Did you find any food?" Dosu asked.

"Yea, here's some black licorice." Neji answered as he gave some bags of black licorice to Dosu.

"Wow, you're just hilarious aren't you? Resonating Echo Drill!" Dosu yelled as he attacked Neji with his melody arm. The blast caught Neji off guard and knocked him off balance and he fell to the ground and was unable to get back up. "Quickly! We need to get out of here! Zaku get over here!"

"But I'm staring at the sun." Zaku whined.

"Damn it Zaku we don't have time for this!" Dosu yelled as he grabbed Zaku and started running away with Kin.

After about ten minutes of running Dosu's team reached the forest. "Dosu," Zaku started whining again, "I'm still sooo hungry."

"It's getting late," Dosu answered, "We should set up camp. I'll go find food, Kin stay here with Zaku and set up camp. Make sure Zaku doesn't eat stuff off the ground." then Dosu left them and started looking for food.

"Whatever," Kin replied, "Zaku, help me...Zaku what the hell are you doing!"

"These insects taste so good!" he answered.

"I turn for one second and you already ate stuff on the ground! Those can be poisonous!"

"Well, it's damn good poison!"

"Stop eating that!"

"But I'm hungry!"

"Wait 'till Dosu gets back!"

"But what if he doesn't? What if he found a van full of candy and never came back?"

"Dosu wouldn't leave us!"

"But what if he doesn't find any food?"

"If Dosu returns and doesn't bring back food, you can eat all the insects you want."

"Perfect! I'd better start collecting them now!"

Dosu returned, but with no food. "Yes!" Zaku shouted, "Now I can eat all the insects I want!" and he started cramming the bugs into his mouth.

"Um.. Zaku..." Dosu started.

"NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY!" Zaku screamed, spitting some of the bugs everywhere.

"I wasn't going to ask for any. I was going to tell you that those cause gonorrhoea."

"SON OF A BITCH!" Zaku screamed again, as he spat out the insects and ran into the forest.

"Do they really?" Kin whispered to Dosu.

He answered, "Nope."

"I NEED TO WASH THEM OUT OF MY SYSTEM!" Zaku yelled as he jumped into a lake.

"There's leeches in that lake!" Dosu stated.

"Ha, like I'm scared of leeches- OH NO THEY'RE THE SIZE OF MY HEAD!" Screamed Zaku as he ran back out the lake and into a tree. The tree exploded.

"Ninja tree." Dosu said.


	5. Chapter 5

Dosu, Kin, and Zaku continued their journey to the Hidden Leaf village. After days of walking they were almost at the Land of Sound's border.

"When we get there I'm going to like, kill everyone." Zaku announced.

"No! Our mission is to replace the ramen noodles with black licorice!" Dosu rebuked.

"Well I'll kill them all with licorice!"

"After we replace the noodles!"

"I'll replace your noodle!" Zaku shouted.

Dosu and Kin were shocked once again.

"Um," Dosu started, "let's keep moving." They kept walking. They walked and walked, but the village was nowhere in sight. Zaku's stomach growled.

"Damn it! I'm still starving." he yelled.

"Look, there's a Denny's up ahead!" Kin told them as she pointed off to the distance.

"GRAND SLAM HERE I COME!" Zaku screamed, and he started sprinting to the building. The others followed, and they soon arrived at the Denny's. They stopped outside the doors.

"Um, we have no money." Kin said with disappointment.

"Go whore yourself by that lamppost and earn us some money!" Zaku demanded.

"Hell no!" She replied.

"Why don't we just pull a dine'n'dash?" suggested Dosu.

"Great idea! Good thing I thought of it!" Zaku stated.

"I thought of it!" Dosu replied.

"I thought of your mom! She was fat and ugly! But she made good cookies!"

"Shut the hell up!" Kin said, annoyed by Zaku's outburst.

"No you shut up slut, go back to your Lamppost!"

"All of you shut the fuck up!" screamed Dosu. "Can't we steal food like civilized people?"

"Fine." Kin and Zaku said simultaneously. They then headed inside the Denny's. There was no one inside, except a waitress and a cook. They were seated in a booth by the door, perfect for escape. The waitress put a cigarette out and walked over to them.

"Wait can would you like to order?" she asked them.

"Sex with a side of homicide!" Zaku shouted.

Dosu and Kin weren't surprised at his outbursts at this point, but the waitress however, was horrified.

"I mean, grand slam." Zaku ordered, "like I did to your mother!"

The waitress ignored his comment and asked Dosu, who also ordered and grand slam. She then asked Kin.

"A salad please." Kin said.

"YOU BITCH!" Dosu screamed at her, "YOU DON'T GO TO DENNY'S AND NOT ORDER A GRANDSLAM!"

"Uh...grand slam please." Kin corrected.

"Anything you kids would like to drink?" the waitress asked.

"Tears of the orphans who watched the slaughter of their parents!" Zaku yelled.

"Okay, one water. Anything else?" she asked.

"Coke." Dosu answered.

"Sprite." Kin answered.

The waitress wrote their orders down and walked behind the counter and gave the order to the cook. Zaku started shoving packets of jam and peanut butter in his pockets.

"Zaku what are you doing?" Dosu asked him.

"Well if we're going to dine'n'dash, we might as well take all this stuff.

"Good idea, take everything." Dosu suggested.

"Aw yeah, free forks!" Zaku announced as he shoved all the silverware into his pockets. Eventually everything on the table was shoved in their pockets. Ketchup and jam oozed from their pockets.

"Hey Dosu," Zaku started, "what about the table? It's a nice table."

Dosu thought for a second, then replied, "We'll take it when we leave."

The waitress was brought their food over. "There's a problem with the drink machine so the drinks will be late." She explained.

"It's okay, we can wait." Dosu answered.

As soon as the plates were placed on the table, the Sound Trio started eating. Since all the utensils were taken they had to eat with their hands and faces. Nothing they weren't used to. Zaku's face never left his plate, he just slammed it on the plate and inhaled his food. Dosu used his food absorbtion

and held his plate up to his face. Kin kept throwing food in her facing, sending pieces of eggs everywhere. After sixty seconds they finished their food.

"Okay, we wait until the waitress turns around, then we use our ninja skills to sneak out the door." Dosu instructed.

The waitress walked back with the drinks. "We only have Pepsi, will that do?"

"FUCK YOUR PEPSI! DOES THIS WORK INSTEAD OF PAYMENT?" Dosu screamed, "NOW!"

Kin threw a paper bomb at the window, causing the wall to collapse and sent glass shards flying everywhere. "Out the window!" She shouted.

The Sound Trio jumped out the hole in the wall and started running.

"Damn it I forgot the table!" Dosu announced as he turned around and ran back to the Denny's.

Once he got inside the waitress ran out and saw the hole in the wall and Dosu.

"Dine'n'dashers! Quickly, get out here Gaara!" she screamed.

"Wait," Dosu said as he ripped the table from the floor, "did you say Gaara?"

Gaara ran out from the kitchen wearing a chef hat.

"Time to _cook_ up a sandstorm! Haha, get it? Cook? DIE!" Gaara shouted.

"Gaara is the cook? What the fuck?" Dosu yelled. He then ran back through the window carrying the table. Gaara started sending sand at him to attack, but Dosu dodged them. He ran back outside and met up with Kin and Zaku.

"Fucking Gaara is in there!" Dosu warned.

"What? Fuck Gaara? Sorry bro, I ain't gay like you!" Zaku remarked.

"Aw shit, the cops are here!" Kin yelled as the three of them ran down the road.

"Hurry!" a voice shouted from the van, "They're getting away!"

The van sped up and caught up to the sound shinobi. It stopped in front of them and the back doors opened, revealing Orochimaru.

"WHO WANTS CANDY? Oh, it's just you three." Orochimaru said with disappointment, "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at the Leaf Village?"

"We where just heading there." Dosu explained.

"Um," Orochimaru started, "Go look over that hill."

The three walked to the hill, and looked over it. On the other side was a vast ocean.

"That's the ocean," explained Orochimaru, "You travelled north. The Leaf Village is south."

"SON OF A BITCH!" Dosu screamed, "KIN CAN'T YOU READ A MAP?"

"Dude, it's harder than it looks!" replied Kin.

"That's what she said!" remarked Zaku.

"Let me see that map!" Dosu said as he snatched the map from Kin. "This is another breast cancer pamphlet! Where the fuck are you people finding these?"

"BREAST CANCER?" Zaku screamed as he grabbed the pamphlet and stuffed it in his mouth. "DELICOUS!" He shrieked in excitement.

"It's going to take forever to get back!" Dosu stated.

"This actually works out." Orochimaru replied.

"How?" Kin asked.

"Your mission is to replace all the ramen noodles with black licorice," Orochimaru started, "but have you thought about _where_ you're getting them from? North from the Land of Sound's shore is a remote island with a nation known as the Land of Vikings. It's rumoured to have vast amounts of black liquorice. You three should head there and get all the black licorice possible!"

"Excellent idea Lord Orochimaru!" Kabuto said from the front seat.

"We'll head there right away!" Dosu stated. Then the Sound Trio headed to the docks to begin the overseas journey.


End file.
